A Bollywood Cancer

I was lying in my bed, trying to get some sleep, but that seemed like a luxury.Bollywood numbers were piercing the atmosphere from some trumpets, most probably of some baraat.Playing 'Mujhe pehchaano, me hoon kaun' at a wedding , and that too an arranged marriage lends itself some unintentional humor. But I digress.
I started thinking of how bollywood or films in general has invaded our lives , much like those blaring trumpets. A few months back we had our rail budget. On the day the budget was introduced at the parliament, a popular national daily had a strip dedicated to "Top train moments in Bollywood". Had they run out of ideas or suggestions for a rail budget for our country? While channel surfing a few days back I noticed that almost all daily soaps have lends its name from bollywood lyrics. Can't they take some time out of their busy tear jerking schedule to find a title that suits the storyline? To know the difference one should try surfing for internet radio station. There were plenty of channels to choose from offering variety of news, analysis, discussions, stand up performances, music, and podcasts. While I found foreign channels to be enlightening, all the Indian channels were narrow minded and focussed only on celebrity gossips and film music. I remember during my schools days  I used to hear a lot of light music on radio and TV. But where are they now. The malayalam radio channel I was listening online was playing hindi songs.
Genuine, fresh and creative music and writing should be a source pride but apart from dewarists and few other programmes I hardly find anything original on TV on arts and music.
While cheerleaders of IPL mindlessly gyrate to recycled bollywood tunes, I have turned to news channels for entertainment.

My mobile app

I recently bought a samsung galaxy ace S5830 and dived into the world of android apps. I would like to share some apps that I enjoyed using. And all of them are free
1.Angry birds I know all of them are familiar and enjoy destroying the evil pigs with thpse fluffy and very angry birdd. Nut love them so much that i had to give them first place.
2.Dolphin browser Though it is not as versatile as opera its no nonsense simplicity caught my eye. It is ideal for browsing through simple webpagrs and comes with a lot of handy add-ons like webpage to pdf converter. It can handle video pages very well too.
3.World newspapers I am a newspaper junkie and I love to browse through various newspapers. This well organised app helps me a lot. Also check out the indian newspaper app. It has a good collection of regional newspapers.
4. Tunein radio this is one of the best apps - after angry birds,of course - in my mobile. Its an app that helps you listen to radio channels over the internet. I am in love with radio because of this app. It is much simpler than the next best app Pandora.
5. Easy battery saver. This app lets you choose various profiles that suits your needs and reduces your battery consumption accordingly. I was a bit apprehensive at first but it works.
6. Google listen this app from google lets you listen to podcasts under numerous categories. Its quite fast and simple to use
My phone becomes slow quite frequently since its internal memory is very low. Here is a tip if you have the same problem. Go to system->applications->manage application and under various application clear your cache memory. This will free up your memory to an extent. Also remember to uninstall all those apps that you have installed just to try out and forgot about completely!

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Star signs

"Have you recently looked up at the sky and watched the stars?" a friend of mine asked me. I was taken aback by his question.

And then I took my time trying to show how ridiculous he sounded and gave him some advice on how not to look stupid. Meanwhile my friend was desperately trying to explain his side of the story. But I was not listening. Later on during the day, I tried to recall the last time I had witnessed the night sky. I was horrified. I could not remember!That night after dinner I took a walk just to watch the stars. It was simply beautiful! Tiny little sparks on a dark endless carpet. I rediscovered beauty in something I had taken for granted. The irony hit me like cold water on a winter morning. I was trying to look for extraordinary things and beauty of the small and ordinary was just above my head. I am not trying to criticise modernity or development initiatives that have been empowered by technology. I do strongly believe that technology is the future. But sometimes we all miss out on things lying right there in front of us in our pursuit for the big and the great. Hyperboles tend to have a muffling effect on the melody of the natural. I now make it a point to look at the stars every night - through the little squares made by the apartments or through the dangling branches of trees. I thank my stars for the beautiful celestial show.

My election manifesto

Its election time in Gods Own Country and this time yours truly has decided to contest the election as an independent candidate .I can't promise freebies like the grand old man of Tamil Nadu but here's a list of nothings that I promise to work for.

1. Distribution of alcohol to be made through PDS
To put the people out of their misery I think it is better that we start distributing alcohol of all forms, colours and brands through outr
very own 'raation shaap'. How else will the hardworking malayalees find time to attend more pressing matters like
going to a strike or burn up some shops? You don't expect them to waste their precious time waiting in the serpientine queues in front of Bevco do you?

2. Declare 'the Gulf' as the 15th district of Kerala
All gulf countries should be given DoK(District of Kerala) status. This will be of great assisstance to keralites in their exodus to the 'sheik-lands'
And my government will try applying VAT tax on the sheiks. Imagine the revenue that can be collected!

3. Declare the entire state as an amusement park
The narrow,winding roads, dotted with potholes, that seem to fall off into the underworld makes this the best investment opportunity for the state. We have many bus, lorry and jeep drivers
who have shown their expertise in plunging their vehicles into rivers , ponds, backwaters, canals, puddles and other waterbodies. They can be hired to make kerala
the adventure tourism capital of the world

4. Registeration fee for strikes and hartals
An online registration form (along with a small fee of course) has to be filled by any party before they can start a strike.

5. Banning all words with "o"
The sound "O" has been the bane of malayalees, causing shame and embarassment to him whenever he speaks. My government will start an initiative to replace all those
words with "non-o" words. This will increase the morale, and self confidence of all mallus.

Please will you people support me?

Scam 24x7

I was flipping through the channels one lazy evening. A carnival of scams was unfolfding in the television. Just then my dad  remarked," I am going to start a new news channel - ScamTV24x7. It will be a nice idea to start one now".
That got me thinking . What if we actually had one? These would be the various programs I would want to air

1.Morning Leaks : Morning show which analyses the various leaks brought out by  wikileaks
2.Kalmadi aur barbaadi : A peek into the destruction of our sports culture by India's very own Suresh Kalmadi
3.Dutt and nothing but : An hour long show about the corruption in journalism hosted by Barkha Dutt
4.Tata, birla and ambani : a show about corporate manmaani
5.Babuj zara dheere chalo : a live programme that tracks the greedy bureaucrat babus in their quest for money in the murky Indian system. The babus agreed to donate 1% of their hard earned money to charity after watching this show.
6.Indian Paisa League : This innovative sports show features various exposes in the sports world.
7.Politricks : The great Indian con-show from the worlds best con artist- Indian netas.

Got any other ideas?

Why I support the bureaucrats trapped in the CWG corruption scandal

I think the recent controversy surrounding the corruption in Commonwealth wealth games going to be held at Delhi is avaricious, malicious , delicious and auspicious. I do not find anything wrong with what the bureaucrats have done. The reasons for my steadfast support to the 'babus' are :
1.Nobody told them that Commonwealth does not actually mean COMMON WEALTH.
They thought that Common wealth means common wealth as in common room, common toilet etc etc - anyone can use it .They took whatever they needed for their 'chai paani'! They were misinformed .Don't you think?
2.They were trying to make India an egalitarian state.
They were trying to reduce the disparities between the rich and the poor. The oft-repeated 'aam aadmi' campaign was not working and UPA government was running outof ideas. So they thought of a novel scheme to rob Indians of their money and make everybody poor and usher in equality. They were this close.
3.Lalit Modi said 2000 crore is no biggie
Lalit Modi was hired by these powerful men sa their consultant and he consulted thus:"See, what you have taken is a pittance when compared to what I have stolen from 1 day of a single IPL. Just relax and work on a public statement that is atleast 100000 pages long. They will soon get tired and forget about the incident". Because of this manipulator our poor officers are in trouble

I urge all my fellow compatriots to show their solidarity with the tainted officials.They intentions were honest . Weren't they?
To read about the allegation click here

Ads, girls and hair oil

The story unfolds in a busy residential street. A teenage girl is learning to drive a scooter and her friend is assisting her as the pillion rider. The amateur driver loses balance and crashes against a parked car. The driver tries to escape but her friend stops; sticks a sorry note to the side of the car and then they both drive away. This is how a recent ad of a popular hair oil gets going. And this is one of the strongest woman character I have seen in recent times in the mainstream media.She is apologetic but not frightened.
A bollywood actress had recently said that the rise of bikini-clad women on screen shows the growing power of women in the society. The woman showed in the ad commands more power and respect and that too while remaining fully clothed!
At this point I would like to share a conversation I had with my friend recently. That too revolved around an ad. The ad in question showed a girl with her boyfriend cuddling in a park bench. The genius male proceeds to distracts the dumb girl by pointing at something replaces his hand with a big doll and escapes to join his buddies for watching a football match. My friends reaction to this was that this ad is demeaning to women. I agree with my friend. But I feel that most ads, serials and films are demeaning to women.
Consider this: you wake up and brush your teeth with a particular brand of toothpaste and presto! you are surrounded by beautiful girls. You shave and out of nowhere a girl comes and hugs you in admiration. And yes shaving is a very tough job. The case of a car, shampoo, bike, perfume etc? Ditto. A woman exist at the level of these products. Something to be received and taken. Very much like these packaged products. Also there is a trap that is employed by the fairness cream companies. A girl has to be as fair as white cement to be successful. So woman have to peel their skin off like onion skin for fourteen days (?) till they become milky white to succeed in an interview, to marry, to post a letter ;in short - to survive.
I don't want to venture into the teary world of 'glycerine' soaps (read saas-bahu and bharatiya nari type serials). This post is not enough to cover the tragedies of that 'mahabharat'. The less said the better.
The hair oil ad mentioned earlier ends with the tagline - with growth there is improvement, there is life. Thus metaphorically connecting growth of hair and growth of the person's self. I hope the media grows up too.

.SRT - Some Retarded Talk

Subtitles -Those inseparable companions of movie files. Those little minions,going by a rather plain name of .srt becomes a crucial part of our cinema experience especially if the film is in a foreign language or the film is too 'slangy' to comprehend. Take Guy Ritchie's whimsical tale 'lock,stock and two smoking barrels' for example. The London slang was difficult to get hold of and I had to seek the help of a subtitile.
But I have found that they are not always very helpful.on the other hand they can be distracting and times even annoying.Picture this:
the location is a typical gangster den (don ka adda) with guns , drugs, old drums, furniture that a 3-year-old can break etc etc There is a fierce inter-gang gun battle proceeding towards a bloody climax. Blood literally flowing all over the screen , human organs decapitated in ways that one cannot even think of; and the subtitle says - {Guns firing}. All that tension and mayhem reduced to just two words {Guns firing}.
Do they have to tell us even the most obvious? Tires screeching, raining , snowball rolling,kissing (oh yeah!),scratching head - all these can very well be exluded from the description.Its similar to
the instructions behind some shampoo bottles -
step 1 : Open the lid.
As if we don't know that! Anybody who can buy a shampoo bottle will definitely know that the lid has to be opened.
Another funny experience is when I watch dubbed movies. Oh! I have a great time watching them. Whether its the sophisticated Judi Dench playing M
uttering podaango!(thoo teri!in our rashtra bhaasha) in place of a rather restrained 'for heaven's sake Bond' or terrifying dinosaurs being called 'bheeman palli' ( just a harmless chipkali) I had pure unadultered fun. But this one is the creme de la creme.I thank my friend for sharing this with me .
Superman returns after a long soul-searching journey back to his rural abode. He is welcomed by his Mom with a classic 'Aa gaye mere laal'!(it does not translate well to other languages).
I enjoy watching  the dubbed versions more than the original and as far the subtitles are concerned - I still hunt for them.

Subtitles: On the Foreignness of Film (Alphabet City)

Da

Da - noun/pronoun
It is a well-known word found in the lexicon of tamil and malayalam population (of other languages I have no idea da). Its a versatile filler, a universal prefix, and an unavoidable suffix in most conversations. This two letter 'biggie' is the most popular word owing to its flexibility to be used in different situations and connotations with just slight variation in tone.The fact that almost 80% of any meaningful conversation consists entirely of this commonplace term speaks volumes about  the popularity this word enjoys.
The common versions are shown below.    
1. Da! (may or may not be followed by expletives): When delivered like a pop of a bullet with a slight dent in teh tone; expect a punch from the speaker. It is the intimidating da. I have come across this only in Kerala.
eg : da @##%^&@@*! give my money back!

2. Daaaaaaaaaa ( when delivered lazily with the dreary voice dying down in time) : The speaker is searching for an excuse.
eg :Daaaaaaaa! I forgot to  book your ticket to the U.S daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

3. Da (delivered mostly in a husky voice) : the cajoling da. If uttered by your better half get ready to be robbed of all your money.
eg : Da(heavy breathing) can we go for shopping today?

4. DaaAAaa : A variant of the above. Also used to lure an innocent listener into something. Characterised by the speakers voice travelling to the upper  octaves and coming back.
eg :  Come on, lets kill this guy  DaaAAaa!

5. The above can also be used to tease a person after he has done something embarrassing or unspeakable
eg : DaaAAaaa ! Did you vote for Congress ? Shame! Shame!

The other variants include the cracker da which is in fact a series of da delivered one after the other(da da da da) resembling a drumbeat used mainly to intimidate a person; the revelation da which is a da in the form of a shriek usually used after you discover who stole your rare medival period coin from your collection etc.
Da can also be used to mark the end or the beginning of a statement or used as meaningful pauses fixed in between apologies. New forms and usages are being introduced every second.
The list is endless , ever growing and evolving da.
 

Crosswords

This post is a result of some pleasant and many unsavoury experiences I had while i tried my hand at cracking a few crosswords. Whoa! Whoa ! Stop it right there .Before you march down this post let me clarify a few things.This post is not a comprehensive list of do's and dont's of crossward-cracking.Why? Simply because no such list exists. Secondly I am not an expert . I have solved only a few crosswords ; but i must confess I relished those moments!
This post is about the discoveries I made during my humble endeavors. So here it goes:
Discovery 1: Getting a crossword is easy!
Most newspapers have a daily crossword and there is a high probability that the newspaper that you follow has one. Or there are numerous free crossword puzzles online which you can access after a simple 'googling'. The more serious among you can buy crossword puzzles books.
The New York Times Supersized Book of Sunday Crosswords: 500 Puzzles (New York Times Crossword Puzzles)

Discovery 2 : Getting started is tough!
Seriously, the toughest part of the crossword is not in cracking the clues but pushing yourself to attempt it. You might feel that you are not upto it or that the clues dont make any sense.Don't worry relax! It didn't make any sense to me the first time either. If you feel that the online tutorials will make you a 'crossie-genius' then the time has come to share my third discovery

Discovery 3: Online tutorials does not make you a genius
Yes they don't because they can't. If they promise you they can then definitely they CANNOT. Some of the online communities actually encourage discussion on crosswords and thus might improve your understanding but thats about it. The website www.crosswordunclued.com is a very useful website for beginners and veterans alike but ultimately you have to walk the walk yourself

Discovey 4 : Some clues
Most of the easier clues in crosswords, I have come to know,  involve anagrams and containers. Let me explain. Anagrams are words formed by rearranging the alphabets of another word. For example

dormitory = dirty room (how true!)

another example made popular by the Da vinci code is

Oh! lame saint = the mona lisa.
Click here for more on anagrams

Most clues involving anagrams are indicated in the clues by the words out, break/broken, mix/mixed etc. because anagrams involve breaking and
mixing to bring out new words.

Example ( from Hindu crossword : nita jaggi)
Old man breaks the nut(6)
Here the breaks is adjacent to the old man. so by rearranging we get
old man = almond ;which is a nut
Also notice that old man contains six alphabets as indicated in  the question.

Containers are clues in which the answer lies within the question, literally.

Example ( from Hindu crossword 9870 : nita jaggi):
Rabbit found in the Gurkha regiment (4)
Usually the words in, inside, within etc. indicate a container. So observing closely inside the phrase
Gorkha regiment we get the answer hare which is a rabbit.

for other abbreviations and clues:  Click here

Discovery 5 : Enjoying the process is the goal!

I had been very disappointed at my not being  able to crack the easiest of clues and overlooking the simplest of hints.I cursed myself for it. Then I realised that beating myself up was taking the fun out of it. So if you feel dejected while in the middle of a crossie-session  take a break , freshen up, and have a go at it later. Trust me it will a lot more enjoyable then.

Final Discovery : the atlantis
No esoteric lectures can replace the exhilarating experience of that eureka movement. So are you up to it?
 

Rise of Machines? i dont think so

It was 3.00 a.m and I was desperately trying to go back to sleep.Someone had suggested once that thinking of stuff you have done the previous day will help you fall asleep.
So I started thing of stuff i had done the previous day and i got a list that looked something like this:
morning - read newapaper watched a movie
noon - watched a movie
evening - watched a movie
night watched a movie.
I dont know why(:)) but I was not getting sleepy. So i began to think about what i had watched.
I had watched matrix and terminator. Both the movies had machines taking  over the world.
But why? I mean what will be there purpose of their  life?
Human beings have some purpose. It can be professional - I want to be an engineer, personal - i want to rule the world or pure fantasies -  i want to kiss lara dutta. What will machines wish for? life-long batteries?
Also if machines are created in man's 'image' wouldn't they be killing each other and fighting over metal color?